“When you’re finally content” and other unbiblical ideas about singleness
I just was reading one of those influencer instagram posts… the very aesthetic one that features photos from their wedding with inspiring/convicting captions about how to achieve this sort of life. This particular influencer (who had a gorgeous wedding, by the way) was quoting the verse “He who finds a wife finds a good thing”, etc etc. She described that the man needs to find a wife, and so you should ask the Lord to help you get rid of a “girlfriend” attitude. Then she PROMISED that once you start acting with a wifely attitude, you’ll find a husband.
As adorable as her wedding was, this was an incredibly frustrating heap of baloney to hear. Is that really what the Bible was intending to teach with that verse (Proverbs 18:22)? Additionally, what a discouraging weight to put on any believer who’s still single. Not only does this tell singles that they’re just not a good enough Christian to have earned a marriage, but it also implies that this blogger WAS good enough.
If you’ve been single for any amount of time, you may have heard some similar phrases.
“When you’re finally content in your singleness and the Lord, He’ll bring the right man into your life.”
“When you stop looking, that’s when it’ll happen.”
“You need to focus on becoming the person your future spouse is looking for.”
“You need to save your virginity for your spouse.”
“If you save your virginity for your spouse, your sex life in the boundaries of marriage will be better than it ever could’ve been otherwise.”
Really?
Is that what the Bible says?
We all know I am no scholar, don’t have a doctorate and have never been to seminary. I’m only a 20-something trying to know the Lord. But I have yet to find a verse that promises you’ll EVER get married. I haven’t found a verse that promises you’ll even be happily married if you do get married. Still looking for the verse that says “when you’re good enough, then you’ll be rewarded with marriage and kids”.
Oh yes, I know. There’s that verse that says “Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.” (Psalm 37:4). But if your delight is in the Lord… doesn’t that mean that knowing God is the greatest desire of your heart?
I think these type of posts that assist single Christians into marriage are kind of missing the point of being a Christian, of self-improvement, and of life itself. You SHOULD be aiming to have improved character. To become someone who’d be an excellent spouse. To have fruitful ministry and healthy, loving relationships. But you’re doing these things because you’re following Christ, not just for your imaginary future spouse. You want to know Him, and in knowing Him, you become more like him. He’s not a cosmic vending machine… put the achievement of perfect contentment into the slot and out comes a ready-made spouse! We talk about “those churches” that preach health and wealth gospel… is that not the same thing? Why is marriage our end-all-be-all purpose to life? When did marriage become the mark of a holy believer?
I’m not supposed to be content so that one day I’ll get what I want. I’m not to abstain from sex because I’m saving that for my husband. I’m not trying to improve on miscellaneous character traits so I’ll be a good wife. All those things I’m trying to do simply because God told me to.
I would love to be able to find an easier solution to ending grief in singleness. In my own (admitted) desperation, I wish I could tell myself that “God will bring me the right man someday”. But that would imply that there’s something wrong or sinful about being single. And that’s just not -Biblically- the case. I can remind myself that lament and healthy friendships are wonderful tools in walking through singleness. But I can’t just give myself false hope to feel better. Better to process and grieve (if needed), well and truly, and keep honoring God simply because that’s what God wants from me. Not to earn a husband.
-Celeste